NPD abusers’ major failing is that they believe everyone who challenges their “comfort level” is exactly like them –manipulative, dishonest, avoiding mature responsibility, &c– and they are incapable of recognizing this is simply not how reality works.
This why two things happen, both stemming from closed-minded fear of what they’re intentionally unwilling to understand, as a result of vengefully battling their own cognitive dissonances:
- Projections: when they allege that others are doing literally what *they* are doing, by associating events that never occurred to “good people” and are more likely events the NPD is actually guilty of.
- Competitiveness: when they feel threatened that they’re not “as good” as others, by making some comparison between their self (and their “flying monkeys”) and others that is usually illogical, irrelevant, or entirely fabricated.
The goal of these tactics is to make their self seem to have “won” and leave the others disparaged, but *every* time without proof beyond their hearsay, and suddenly can no longer remain consistent with provable facts when confronted on record.
“A Narcissist will demean, insult, criticize, pick apart, put you down and do anything to try to inflict pain. If you do not agree with them or you do not allow their behavior to continue, they will quickly discard you because you don’t serve their purpose anymore. Narcissists need either people who give them huge ego boosts, or those who they can put down and hurt. Narcissists always look for conflict and they leave a trail of victims especially within their own families or that were close to them.” [ref]
The Cycle of Abuse:
- Over-protection “in the name of love”
- Power gained through social isolation of victim
- Restrictive control of resources and activities
- Punishment through anger or physical harm
- Acting as if nothing happened
- Increase in love and kindness
“An Alienator is an abusive parent who values control more than the well-being or happiness of their child.”
“To understand power dynamics you need to listen and believe the stories of the powerless.”
Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: What the heck is that? [ref]
“When a man or woman suffers from a condition named Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they display patterns of deviant or abnormal behaviour that is so bad, that it creates carnage on those people who are unfortunate enough to have a close relationship with them.”
“The dysfunctional behaviour involves such callous exploitation of their victims that it has given birth to a new condition known as Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (or Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome). While plenty has been written medically about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), little or nothing has been written about Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVD). The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), which is published by the American Psychiatric Association, and it is considered the “bible” for all professionals, covers NPD extensively. However DSM-IV has not written anything about the effects on those who live or work with the narcissist’s torturous behaviours, and the consequences of that behaviour on the mental health of the victim. Thanks to the dedicated work of many psychotherapists, it has become clear that a set of detectable characteristics occur when working with victims of narcissistic abuse. The good news is that American therapists are calling for the recognition of this syndrome to be included in the next Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-V, to be published in 2013), in the hope that all therapists will be given standard guidelines for formulating a way of working with this syndrome.”
Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome or Narcissistic Victim Syndrome [ref]
What triggers Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome?
NAS often develops as the result of psychological and emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, gaslighting, baiting and bashing, belittling, hidden abuse, shaming, projection, smear campaigns, a false narrative, threats, distortion of conversations, circular conversations, word salad games, exploitative games, refusal to ever have a normal conversation, diversion and false accusations. It is a type of PTSD. It often causes victims to feel defenseless and beaten down.
Who is the abuser?
Often there is confusion surrounding who is abusing who as the fingers begin pointing at each other. Read below on further insight on how to discern who the real abuser is.
In most cases when you are dealing with a conflict with “two sides to a a story” the Narcissistic abuser will appear calm, cool, collected and reasonable. This person will put doubts into the councilor’s mind and others mind that the target is mentally unstable and untrustworthy. The abused person may appear unhinged and feel and act a little crazy thus confirming what the Narcissist is saying. However, the target has been through several rounds of gaslighting, threats, baiting and bashing etc. with the narcissist that has led to the psychological and emotional demise of his victim.
TYPICAL PROFILE OF AN ABUSER
Very charming and smooth, controlling, splitting (seeing a person as all good or all bad), minimization, rationalization, denial, justifies, brandishing anger, points fingers, shames, reads into things, insolent pride, must win, guilt trip, intimidation, evasion, shaming, manipulative, do as I say not as I do (their actions do not match their words), the perpetual victim, condescending, patronizing, superior, entitled, lies, excuses, people who go against what I say should be punished, it is always someone else’s fault, the rules don’t apply to me, feigning innocence, feigning confusion, charms, vilifying the target or victim, not interested in talking things out or coming to a mutual understanding, will play judge and jury over others, will pretend to love the victim to onlookers and in the charmed circle, will feign concern for the victim, will feel sorry for themselves but not sorry for how they have effected another person, will work in unethical ways, will gaslight, bait a victim and bash the victim, threaten, exploitative, word salad games and circular conversations. May appear prideful, defensive, will not admit wrong doing and may hint at the fact that the victim is crazy or mentally unstable therefore completely untrustworthy and noncredible.
Read here to find out why there aren’t two sides to a story with a Narcissist: [ref]
There may be two or more sides to a story, but not every side is true.
As I’ve tried to tell my story to get legal help dealing with the narcopath abuser, I’ve heard many platitudes that may apply to a normal break-up, but do not apply to a break-up with a predator. I’ve heard comments like “there are two sides to every story with the truth somewhere in between,” or “its a he-said she-said situation,” or “I feel bad for both of you,” or “you will learn to get along,” or “you are just bickering.”
Wrong. There maybe normal break-ups where those comments apply, but they do NOT apply after an abusive relationship–especially one with a sociopath or narcissist. When there is an abuser in denial, a pathological liar involved, the ONLY person who is helped by these meaningless phrases is the abuser. As usual, the abuser mooches off our human tendencies to want to be fair, our need for justice, our empathy. Right when the abuse survivor needs help and validation the most, society is not able to give it because they are too busy trying to be fair to the person that we know is abusive!
In these situations, there are two sides to the story–the lie and the truth. It is “he-said/she-said”–one said lies and one said the truth. An abusive relationship isn’t a case where one party is simply misunderstanding the other, where there is a difference in communication, where two people see things different ways. This is a case where someone was predatory, the other person is scared and trying to get help, and the abuser is trying to cover his or her tracks. The idea of “innocent until proven guilty” might protect some innocent people, but it also protects some very guilty people. The good people in society want to help the party that needs help, but so often ends up either on the wrong side helping the abuser, or at best, failing the victim. We all need to be more astute to noticing the difference between words and actions!
Reference for definition of NPD (Wikipedia): [ref]
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is “a personality disorder in which there is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of understanding of others’ feelings. People affected by it often spend a lot of time thinking about achieving power or success, or about their appearance. They often take advantage of the people around them. The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of situations.”
Signs and Symptoms: “People with narcissistic personality disorder are characterized by their persistent grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, and a disdain and lack of empathy for others. These individuals often display arrogance, a sense of superiority, and power-seeking behaviors. Narcissistic personality disorder is different from having a strong sense of self-confidence; people with NPD typically value themselves over others to the extent that they disregard the feelings and wishes of others and expect to be treated as superior regardless of their actual status or achievements. In addition, people with NPD may exhibit fragile egos, an inability to tolerate criticism, and a tendency to belittle others in an attempt to validate their own superiority.
According to the DSM-5, individuals with NPD have most or all of the following symptoms, typically without commensurate qualities or accomplishments:
- Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from others
- Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
- Self-perception of being unique, superior and associated with high-status people and institutions
- Needing constant admiration from others
- Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
- Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
- Unwilling to empathize with others’ feelings, wishes, or needs
- Intensely envious of other and the belief that others are equally envious of them
- Pompous and arrogant demeanor”
“Flying monkeys” in Psychology (Wikipedia) [ref]
“Flying monkeys” is a phrase used in popular psychology mainly in the context of narcissistic abuse. They are people who act on behalf of a narcissist to a third party, usually for an abusive purpose. The phrase has also been used to refer to people who act on behalf of a psychopath for a similar purpose. An alternative word is “apaths”.
“Abuse by proxy” (or “proxy abuse”) is a closely related concept.
Flying monkeys are distinct from enablers. Enablers just allow or cover for the narcissist’s (abuser’s) own bad behavior.
The phrase, originally winged monkeys, is derived from L. Frank Baum’s classic children’s novel The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. The wicked witch sent them to carry out her attacks.
Flying monkeys can be anyone who believes the narcissist’s fake persona including the narcissist’s spouse, child, friend, sister, brother or cousin.
According to Atkinson, flying monkeys are usually unwittingly manipulated people who believe the smears about the victim although they may be another narcissist working in tandem.
According to Vaknin, proxy abusers can be:
- the abuser’s associates
- the victim’s associates – manipulated to side with the abuser.
- authority and institutional figures – manipulated to side with the abuser.
The flying monkey does the narcissist’s bidding to inflict additional torment to the target. It may consist of spying, spreading gossip, threatening, painting the narcissist as the victim (victim playing) and the target as the perpetrator (victim blaming). Despite this, the narcissist does not hesitate to make flying monkeys their scapegoats when and if needed.
The flying monkeys may make it seem like the narcissist is not really involved. They are likely to have no idea that they are being used.
Multiple flying monkeys are likely to act as a mobbing force against a victim.
In divorce conflicts, the children can be used by one party as a weapon against the other party.
The motives behind the narcissist’s support group can be multiple. Service providers may be seduced by the narcissist’s charm into taking a one-sided perspective. Family members may in good faith attempt to sort out the “problematic one”. The codependent may seek to participate in the narcissist’s omnipotence, or use them as sanction for their own aggressive instincts. Alternatively, others may simply be swept up by force of personality to define the situation along the narcissist’s own lines.
Change.org: Protect victims abused by Narcissistic Personality Disordered individuals (Shane’s Law) [ref]
Stay just borderline of the law to not get caught. They harass, torment, gaslight, project blame on victims, character assassination/smear campaigning, alienate victim from close friends, family, any possible support system, accuse victims of doing to them what they are in fact doing to the victim, false police reports, sets up victim and then accuses them of physical abuse, points the victim as crazy, bipolar, abusive, alcoholic to make the victim look as the bad guy. Recruits “flying monkeys” which unknowingly take part and become enabler of the abusers behaviors, Utilizes the legal system to further harass their victims for no basis other than to continue harassing the victim, and keep the “drama” going. These individuals will do any and everything possible to keep their victims silenced so that they are not exposed for their horrid abuse.
Narcissistic Sociopaths are master manipulators and pathological liars, they will lie just to lie. Law enforcement, Lawyers, Judges do not have the knowledge or understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder individuals and are unable to recognize they are dealing with cases that involve the NPD disordered. Therapists even find themself manipulated. Because the NPD disordered believe their own lies, they are even known to pass lie detector tests.
There currently are no laws in place to protect victims of this type of abuse. Laws need to be in place to hold these criminals accountable for their abusive and criminal actions. Something needs to be done to prevent these predators from continuing their reign of terror on past, current, and future victims. The victims are helpless in this type of battle. These individuals are disordered, cannot be fixed, and their only motive is to “Win” no matter what. Things need to change! NPD individuals should have to stand before a judge to face criminal charges for their actions, be allowed permanent protection so they can escape these abusive situations, and the right to live a life free from their tormentors, and heal.