There is only miscarriage of justice in Ventura County Superior Court. The abuser kept custody of my daughter [L]. Found out the morning of court that Judge Rocky Baio we had for the recent 2½ years just retired in the same month, someone it seemed we could finally trust. Entirely different Judge Michele Castillo merely pacifies my reading of my prepared statement, but already decided ahead of time to just swiftly deny me anyway.

As soon as I found out court was moved to a different room, I already knew we lost again. Still wondering what the point of all of it was.

I coordinated my daughter being able to speak directly to Judge Baio on February 5th (the literally only second time the judge ever did this in a 12 year career), on March 5th the ex [R] delays court again because of insistence on receiving the transcript from this appearance (which the reporter didn’t have ready in time), beginning of April the judge certainly already knew he was going to retire ahead of scheduling out to afterwards, and here we are. Haven’t heard from L since the end of March.

I know for certain that if I had this type of court scenario when I was a kid, and I knew the particularly abusive parent was in the other room while I’m trying to explain to someone who can make decisions about whether I have to be there anymore, there is NO WAY I could be comfortable speaking my mind without constantly wondering what that person is going to do to hurt me next or take out their anger, especially knowing their history of eavesdropping and willingness to lie to authorities and cover up their abuse of me for the purpose of maintaining a weak facade of concern for buzzwords like “well being”, and especially when those machinations have historically caused them to continue to “win” against people actually trying to protect me.

I showed up to court again, more than 8½ years into this family law case, with my best attempt to be prepared for anything, and wondering as much as always how little I’ll be able to say that needs to be said before being “continue not heard” again. I definitely got my answer when I was timed in my reading of these five following pages which I had to rush, Judge Castillo didn’t seem to care to listen anyway, and made that abundantly obvious by interrupting my verbal declaration to hear an entirely different case for a few minutes instead of waiting.

I brought again for review my submission to the court on 2023-05-08, 2023-12-05, and an abbreviated version filed with the court on 2023-12-20, which to this day has not been timely heard just like the one submitted on 2022-04-06 and 2022-07-05 and filed on 2022-07-29, due directly to restrictions imposed and delays caused by R’s fraudulent machinations.

The court has been majorly misled, that there’s anything at all “voluntary” about L being back in the residence of the abusive person she removed herself from nearly terminally in May/June 2022.

Originally this declaration was to be a Motion to Advance Hearing that I told L I wasn’t going to file ahead of this hearing unless she sent me the letter to the judge she told me she was working on to clarify any confusions. On March 20th was again mainly the last I’ve heard from L again, when her messages looked like “Where do I send it?” and “I’ve had to think about it and edit it. I went to my friends house so she can look at it too”. L articulated for the whole month of December multiple things she was journaling and planning on telling the judge. What happened instead was L was forced into this new uncomfortable situation when her remote court appearance took place while within the home of the abusive party.

It is obnoxiously possible to make every best effort to do everything right and still lose, and in this case it’s abundantly clear that sabotage is the cause. I’m not the only person who has sought in court to hold R accountable for abuse, and this is not the first time R has used drastic regional relocation as a scheme to force custody matters. I have no intention of moving to a conservative state like the one they’ve chosen, I suspect R has known this, so effectively Ventura court has thus far facilitated R’s abduction of L’s childhood based on fraud and delays and technicalities.

Too much of my life and L’s life has been stolen from us by R. This court case has not been fair, and I hoped Judge Baio could recall how uncomfortable he clearly was when first taking this case in Summer 2022 about sending L out of the state.

I am absolutely through with being gaslighted by R and people influenced by what’s ultimately undiagnosed cluster-b sociopathic behavior, about who and how I truly am around L. I’ve repeated too many times how consistently I’ve been the person L seeks when she remembers that she needs someone she can truly trust and feel safe with, and can readily demonstrate the ways R interferes with any chance of a relationship between L and me.

Unfortunately for me, I’m also never the person to force L to do something inappropriate or that she truly “doesn’t want to do”, this leaves the court with making a decision between L’s two parents.

To me and so many others it is so wholly unbelievable that it’s a difficult judicial decision between me and such a documented wrong choice.

Just as unfathomable is how much of L’s childhood has been abducted from herself and me, by this entire collection of machinations and maneuvering and intentional delays that R is responsible for, all to secure this ongoing scheme to purposely prevent any legitimate chance of L and me sharing life together, and it’s all for R’s control of L and every new scenario coming up for her which keeps it that way.

I’m not going to compete with what might be the newest scheme by R to have L choosing between a new intimate partner or me.

Hopefully too much time hasn’t passed since the last hearing date to remember when at the end R audibly laughed about my declaration of R’s interferences in my attempt to convey what was clearly happening to L, from her experiences and mine.

To be sure a bit of my words last time aren’t misconstrued, clearly the “decision” to be made regarding where L lives isn’t hers alone, it’s the Judge’s, and within that are guidelines such as particularly FC §§ 3040(a)(1) and 3042(c), (g), and (h).

• At minimum, if the point of these laws is to guide the judge to decide between two parents of a child, why was this such a difficult decision in 2022?
• Lawyers have a real interest in twisting someone’s words against them, and this hasn’t been different recently. When I autistically misspoke in summary accidentally saying it’s “L’s decision”, instead of my original plan of quoting the exact words from the law, which OBVIOUSLY court is based on the “judge’s decision”.
• R’s influencers forcing L to acclimate to abusive environments, complicated by passages of time, so she “forgets” what she wanted to express, and that’s happened so many times, further muddying what L is “unsure” about to the point when her own expressions come across as inadvertently sounding like the times when she tells me people are misrepresenting her words.

A summarized recent timeline:

• L was moved out of Ventura County without proper notice by the other parent, amidst L’s cries for help to me.
• While in San Diego, events which R is entirely responsible for caused L to have suicidal ideation and attempts.
• As soon as something worrisome happened from L texting me after another abduction of time, I attempted to involve minor’s counsel, someone to this day who emanates bias toward me at minimum by counsel’s insistence that I must surrender my safety on record directly to R, and for no good purpose other than to show a visible denouncing of recognition that R has been the abuser, and to avoid accountability for counsel’s inactions back to 2020 or attempts to turn this into a cookie-cutter situation involving alleged “fickleness or unsurety of a teenager” when it certainly is not.
• In 2022 L reaches out to me again after my birthday and realizes and remembers that I’m who I am and not at all how R and accomplices have been covertly conveying to L for years, and is as thorough to me about her recent traumas as a teenage traumatized person could possibly be. Somehow R gets away with years of abuse reported at San Diego CWS, because unbeknownst to me yet there are piles and piles of nonsensical stories naming me as some type of monster.
• R’s sibling undermines Judge Baio’s court case with what turns out to be confirmed disingenuous attempt to steal guardianship out of state, and then forces the situation such that the court manages to order something it shouldn’t have ordered in the first place, sending L to another state with someone I told everyone ahead of time what they were up to and I was right.
• March 2023 was when San Diego CWS finally sent me the 460 pages of reports which I requested in August 2022, I spent the next two entire months summarizing and then submitting to the court numerous times. At this point everyone but Judge Baio has seen my thoroughly referenced summary most recently sent on 2023-12-05, and at each of these appearances I have brought all of these things just so R can dare yet again to test or attack my veracity, and dogwhistle against my autistic determination for legitimate justice.
• L safely removes herself from that scenario in November 2023 and conveys from then on yet again the choice to live with me, even moreso than she already did in 2022 but was prevented from directly conveying that to be fact. And in both circumstances, minor’s counsel was responsible for preventing L addressing the court.
• Then the only time L was finally allowed to speak with the Judge, it was in the most uncomfortable environment possible: in a convenient one-off sleep-over night at the abuser’s apartment, after all these recently continued hearings kept pushing L to yet again acclimate to whatever is forced upon her.
• If L was asked on December 20, 2023 where she wanted to live next, she would have chosen me, and yet again a particular school location would not have been an interference with that decision for the court, because at that point L could have had more than a year and a half in a school in California. Nevertheless, L has declared instead her up-until-now-desire to rush school due to her oppressive environments.
• For December and January, L chose to speak with me daily because she wanted to, just like Summer 2022. And just like then, something then abruptly happens forcing her to “go somewhere” and intentionally leaving me out for her as even an option because, to quote R, she’s directly told people I’m simply “not an option”, as though it’s just fact because she says it is, despite any proof or confirmation or anything tangible supporting what is ultimately uncontrollable pathological lying.
• And just like each other time something like this has happened to her, yet again communication becomes sporadic, L reveals she resigns to sleeping through her childhood or doing activities to explicitly avoid having to be within R’s custody.
• I still question when this court can recognize any pattern of abusive behavior even when directly pointed to it.
• I also have yet to experience anything resembling justice either, when now that it’s apparent why people kept looking at me and seeing “not an option” based on nothing to do with the actual me, I’m still forced into this perpetual struggle to somehow prove that I’ve always been the good choice for L to live with.
• How is this possible when the choice is between two parents, and the other one is on record numerously saying she didn’t want custody anymore, records show L has been told by R horrific things, and L will repeatedly be placed in environments which are covertly abusive and always for ulterior motives which benefit R, and bonus if it harms P because this something I know from an abundance of involuntary experience of my own how R finds this all tremendously amusing and isn’t shy about it.
• L is now on record saying “going and living with [P] would be okay”, and her own confirmation that she’s always lived in California until an aunt who it turns out doesn’t want to “raise her as her own” as much as she said she did moved her out of the state to put us in this complicated situation we’re in today which now has a shifted goalpost about where L’s going to school and is realistically a non-issue. If L was allowed to choose to live with me in Summer 2022 instead of incessant maneuvering by R et al to force L away from me, school would not have been an issue. If L was given a choice between her current school in a conservative state and living with me where she’s more familiar, she would have chosen me.
• The choices Judge Baio had named on March 5th were P, or R who doesn’t truthfully want her, or external guardianship which clearly didn’t work out, or CPS which declined involvement, or living with a school peer which also didn’t work out, or emancipation which all aspects of L’s circumstances points to that being a poor choice.
• He eliminated all but two of those options, and aside from ME and L declaring on record she at minimum was certainly not disinterested in living with me in any way, …
• R is responsible for placing L into a situation with two barely adult males which absolutely no one was comfortable with, and I have my suspicions why R facilitated something like that. I am fortunately unsurprised that L is a better person than that, and then showed that to be the case when she expressed her discomfort over the younger male becoming “obsessed” over L and then having no choice but to be forced back into the home of the person she had intently avoided living with for her safety since June 2022.

Transcript points:

Since these weren’t pieced together by the court, some thing which were already apparent at the time according to the transcript…

• the worst place for L to be when trying to be candid about the abuse she’s experienced from the abuser R is within the same physical proximity as that person.
• The only assurance the court made for privacy was saying “Don’t let [R] come back in the room, wherever you are”, when L has conveyed already through me about her repetitively fearful coercion by R regarding direct and indirect threats, the use of surveillance to convey false narratives, and so much more.
• L saying “it’s just something I’d rather not talk about” should have been enough of a red flag about her environment during the court appearance but somehow wasn’t.
• During the single most important appearance facilitated for L to be able to clarify any lingering confusion, another major red flag the court needs to please recognize, when asked “I’m not sure the judge understands why you can’t live in [R]’s house. Can you tell us a little bit more about that?” L: “I just — I don’t feel comfortable.”
• Judge Baio at the end of L’s appearance: “And if you can get [R] to come back.” The court knew during the whole interview where L was physically located. Why was L not comfortable?
• A size comparison of L’s current living space compared to what she would have during any transitional time living with me would not be fair to either of us, nor would an expectation of means testing or some kind of new obstacle I must overcome alone and apart from the person kept from me illegally just to enable the option when what is available now is not only temporary but absolutely acceptable for more than all basic needs.
• I noticed minor’s counsel didn’t ask L why she was uncomfortable talking about why she doesn’t want to live with R, because the question wasn’t asked about how situationally it was likely related to the fact that R was in the other room in an apartment, probably the most uncomfortable place for L to be while at a virtual court appearance trying to convey the truth about her feelings concerning the person who abused her insidiously during all of her memory of life.
• L was regularly naming pointed things she wanted to finally say to the court and to R about what was done to her and things she realized about all of that on her own.
• It’s clearly on record now that L lived where it was familiar to her until abruptly moved somewhere ELSE by R which forces L to acclimate to somewhere new, but she can succeed where she can thrive, and currently it’s not with the abusive R or aunt who so willingly toss her aside, simply because her aunt tried to steal guardianship of L and changed her mind a year later conveniently when R probably already had plans to move to a conservative state I have zero intentions of moving to for many many reasons.
• L: “[R] is, um — [R] has been okay lately. Um, I just don’t know if that will change.”
  • IT WILL. R is not a safe person for L and records show this to be fact. R should not be making decisions over L’s life in any regard, nor be allowed to further influence others who have the ability to restrict L, with all the named factitious reasons caused by the pervasive abuse itself.
• L: “some of those facilities weren’t because of, like, a mental state. It was mainly to get out of where I was.”
  • This is the most concise explanation of the environmental abuse L experienced that she could possibly convey while that person is “in a different room”. L expressed that the times she was “sent away” was because she said it was when R “didn’t want to deal with her”, and that during those times she didn’t know then that she was ALLOWED TO CHOOSE ME but was repeatedly being convinced by R that she shouldn’t and that I was somehow living worse than destitute when I was not.
• If L was asked, I’m sure she would tell the court how she is NOT “unsure” about her memories of us living together. L would declare how I have been inclusive of her thoughts and feelings especially in anything regarding her own life, and have sheltered and adored her to the best of my abilities, and none of that would diminish as we grow together into a future which can begin right now today.

This fact remains: L should be and should have been with me, who she feels safe with and is going to be taken care of in only healthy ways.

If R wasn’t in contempt of the law, L and I would’ve been able to develop our conversations about a future we want to build together. Yet somehow those conversations involving her excitement for me and us EACH TIME become cut off, just like all the other times R pretends to have nothing to do with it and continues to insult the intelligence of both of us by minimizing all of it down to convenient words like “unsure” and “fickle”.

Court: “Do you enjoy talking with [P]?” L: “Yeah, I’d say so.”

I’ve been attempting to build a future together with L which has always intended to include both of us. Intention and motive are supposed to be important factors in judicial decisions.

R IS DIRECTLY AND INDIRECTLY responsible for interfering in all aspects with the relationship of me [P] and daughter, regardless of how amusing it all still seems to be to R to have some explain-away story for every aspect of abusive and manipulative behavior.

R already declared multiple different ways years ago about not wanting L. R should not be an influence in where L goes next or is now, because R’s motivations are entirely fraudulent, as I can demonstrate with my submissions meticulously prepared for court. R’s underlying motivation continues to be to find technicalities to interfere and disallow any possibility of L living with me when there are no real reasons to do so.

This has been and continues to be an emergency situation which simply isn’t addressed as the emergency that it has been this whole time, and that’d definitely been due to R’s convenient excuses usually conveyed through whomever R’s hired for court appearances.

If he was still presiding, it was certainly within Judge Baio’s power to grant multiple further reparative orders, which aren’t instead leaving me “continued not heard” and having to survive numerous points of fraud caused by R.

• DCSS order has interfered with my life too long and is based on fraudulent claims by R, including multiple purposely inaccurate Income and Expense declarations and twisting my words about an hourly billed rate as though it was a full-time sustainable employment when it was not, such that the interest amount alone is nearly $10k. I should not at all be indebted to the person who has abused me and my family, regardless of R’s ability to “get away with it”.
• I do not belong on the vexatious litigant list, and the only reason why I am on there is retaliation against me for trying to defend the words of L and me. Furthermore, if the court will finally recognize how many bad faith things R has done for nearly a decade across this case, I quote an email from R’s previous lawyer to me on 2020-08-06, pending my demonstrated “good faith”, “our client would not raise objection to that request” for removal, but then of course R proceeded to commit various combinations of libel and slander and perjury and so on while the underlying motivating goal of R’s continues to be met: aggravated kidnapping of L from my life for as long as possible, first to San Diego without proper legal notice, and then to this other state with the collusion of the sibling.

To quote the end of my December 2023 statement of facts: “R drove their own child away from their self, for a duration of time when R was vindictively intending to drive L away from me.”

Every time this happens, it’s like a fresh new death for me to process, primarily of what our lives could have been together that we missed until now, and of what could have been of our future together.
Here are some things I know for certain about myself:

• I know I loved L and her sisters since the very beginning with everything I possibly could, despite what the person who pretended to love me was putting me through at the time.
• I know I have never given up on L or us, and I know I did my absolute best with love in every aspect of my devotion to all my daughters.
• I know I am the type of person I needed when I was younger and did not have, so because of that it is unfair to gaslight myself into anything other than what is reality: I am definitely a good and trustworthy person who will fight to the end with trustworthy people for justice.

To my three daughters, you can always come home to me, and I will always love you. 💓💕

When many roads lead to nowhere
And all the places look the same
Everywhere
You just call me
You just call 'cause I'll be there

So many words said forever
And all the tales of yesterday
Fade away
You just call me
You just call 'cause I'll be there

When many roads lead to nowhere
And all the faces look the same everywhere
You just call me
You just call 'cause I'll be there

If our lives were made into a track
I would stop the tape and roll it back
Just so I could play it again and again
And if our lives were made for the TV
I would watch the tape of you and me
Just so I could pause it right before the end

I've got dreams and I've got you
And I can't seem to separate the two
'Cause your spirit is in every album cover
You're here and every melody after another
Your DNA's in the code
And baby everybody knows
I know that I'll see you again